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Tired ramblings on forgiveness

cruelyouth:

I think people have a very warped view of what forgiveness is.

Mostly, I was taught that “forgiveness” meant, “You hug and love the person who did you wrong, accept them back into your life, and don’t feel pain from what they did.”

And if you don’t hug and love on them or accept them back in your life, then you’re an unforgiving bitch.  So, it’s either you become a martyr, or you have no heart, even though you were the one hurt in the first place.  Oh, and don’t hold them accountable or expect them to ever be sorry or understand what they did!  They’re only human, after all.  And you’re supposed to be a saint if you ever even want a chance to be considered human (which you will never be anyway).

This type of “forgiveness” is what causes people to be sucked back into bad environments and relationships with people, least they be an unforgiving bitch (Sidenote:  When I type “relationships,” people often assume I mean romantic ones.  It’s not restricted to just that).

I’m a HUGE unforgiving bitch.  The most awful, horrible unforgiving bitch of them all. 

That’s because I have my own definition of forgiveness that doesn’t involve being a martyr.

To me, forgiveness should be more for the person done wrong than the person who did wrong.  Forgiveness should mean that the person who was hurt should be able to move on with their lives and heal from whatever damage the asshole did.  It’s coming to terms with what happened.

It’s like saying, “You’re never going to change.  I realize that now.  I can’t let you hurt me anymore.  I’m not sure why you did what you did to me or why you are the way you are, but it’s not my problem anymore.  I’m going to live my life now.”

Or, “You’re not sorry.  Quit giving out fauxpologies, you’re making things worse.  You know what?  You’re impossible for me to deal with and don’t care about my feelings at all.  I’m not sure why you are so narcissistic, but I’m going to take care of my own feelings for now on.”

Or, “What you did was twisted.  I’m going to guard myself against you, and you’re going to have to earn trust.  Meanwhile, I’m moving on with my life.  You can either move with me or leave.  That’s your choice, not my responsibility.”

And holy fuck, is forgiveness hard.  Honestly, with my tendency to hold grudges, even with my own definition, it is very hard for me to forgive.

“Forgiveness,” as it’s commonly defined, is putting ALL the responsibility on the victim, and it’s bullshit.